hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
