12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
