just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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