I am in a vortex of obligation.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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