She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
