Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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