why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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