seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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