The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
