who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jΓ€ger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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