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Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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