Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
