Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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