He disabled his match.com account in front of me
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
