I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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