Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
