ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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