as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
