Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
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