I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
