Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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