I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
