the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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