I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
