More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
