proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
