btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
