Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
We need a shit load of segways right now
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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