omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
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She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
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Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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