i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
