She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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