Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
