How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
We are two peas in an std pod
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
