he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
