i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
