The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
