apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
