The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
