Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
