i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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