i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Drake has all the answers
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
