i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
