nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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