You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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