I hate your face
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
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