I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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