I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
