got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
