I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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