she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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