I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
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He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I didn't notice because vodka
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
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My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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