It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
