so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
God, you're like boner-b-gone
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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