Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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