A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
