if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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