I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
