dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
